What if my ex won't mediate?

Family mediation can be a helpful way to resolve disputes following separation — whether about children, finances or property. But mediation is voluntary, and sometimes one person doesn’t want to take part.

Below we explain:

• why someone might refuse mediation,

• what your legal options are,

• and how Pax Mediation can still help you move forward.

1. Why Might My Ex Refuse Mediation?

Refusing to mediate doesn’t usually mean your ex-partner is “unreasonable” — there are common reasons people hesitate:

• misunderstanding what mediation actually involves,

• worry that mediation is like counselling or reconciliation,

• fear the mediator will take sides or give legal advice,

• stress about discussing sensitive issues with their ex.

Mediation isn’t counselling — it’s a structured process with a neutral mediator who does not take sides and cannot give legal advice. It focuses on practical decisions, not relationship counselling.

2. You Can Still Attend a MIAM

Even if your ex won’t come, you can still attend a Mediation Information and Assessment Meeting (MIAM).This is sometimes called an introductory meeting and it helps you:

• understand the mediation process,

• discuss your situation with a qualified mediator,

• explore whether mediation could work for you.

A MIAM is a legal requirement before going to court on most family matters, even if the other person refuses to attend.

At Pax Mediation, we’re happy to explain the process and help you prepare — and if your ex changes their mind, we can invite them to a meeting too.

3. Talk to Your Ex About Mediation

Sometimes refusal is rooted in fear or misunderstanding. You might help by:

• explaining what mediation really is and how it works,

• offering neutral information or suggesting they speak to a mediator first,

• reassuring them that mediation is voluntary and confidential.

Many people agree to mediation after speaking privately with a mediator.

4. Other Options If Mediation Isn’t Possible

If your ex still won’t attend, there are alternative routes you can consider:

a) Legal Advice

A family law solicitor can explain your rights and advise on the best next steps. They can:

• clarify your legal position,

• communicate with your ex or their solicitor,

• help prepare court applications if needed.

b) Negotiation Through Solicitors

Solicitors can negotiate on your behalf if direct mediation isn’t possible. This can be effective but is often more expensive and less collaborative than mediation.

c) Collaborative Law or Arbitration

Other processes like collaborative law or family arbitration are options where both sides work with professionals to find solutions outside court. These can still focus on constructive outcomes while involving your legal advisors more directly.

5. Court Is a Last Resort

If all other options have been tried, you may need to apply to court. In most cases, the court expects that you’ve considered mediation or attended a MIAM before taking that step — unless there’s an urgent safety concern or exception.

Going to court should usually be a final option, as it’s often slower, more costly, and more adversarial than resolving matters through mediation or negotiation.

6. How Pax Mediation Can Help

At Pax Mediation, our experienced mediators will:

• explain the mediation process clearly,

• meet with you individually even if your ex won’t attend,

• help you explore your options and rights,

• support you in deciding what comes next.

We can also carry out mediation online or in person, and support you with Legal Aid eligibility where appropriate.

FAQs about Mediation When an Ex Won’t Attend

Q: Can I be forced to mediate?

No — negotiation is voluntary. No one can be forced into mediation. However, you can attend your own MIAM and show the court you’ve considered it.

Q: Does mediation mean counselling?

No. Mediation is a practical, goal-focussed discussion to agree plans about children, finances or property.

Q: What if there’s domestic abuse or safety concerns?

Mediation may not be suitable if there’s ongoing risk. In these cases we will talk you through safe options and can help signpost legal and support services.

Conclusion

If your ex won’t mediate, you still have options — starting with attending a MIAM, exploring options with a mediator, and considering supportive legal routes if needed. Mediation is often still a valuable step even when direct engagement is challenging.