The Judgement of Solomon: What a Biblical Story Can Teach Us About Child Arrangements After Separation

When parents separate, one of the hardest and most emotionally charged questions is how children should spend their time between two homes. Many parents arrive at discussions — or disputes — with a strong belief that 50:50 shared care is the fairest and safest option.

That belief often comes from a very understandable place.

Parents worry about:

• losing time with their children

• being marginalised or replaced

• being seen as “less important”

• fairness and equality

• what others (including courts) might think

These fears are human, normal, and deeply emotional. Wanting to protect your relationship with your child does not make you selfish or unreasonable.

But sometimes, without meaning to, the conversation can quietly shift away from what children need and become more about what parents fear losing.

A Story About Wisdom, Not Blame

The biblical story known as the Judgement of Solomon tells of two women both claiming to be the mother of the same baby. Faced with an impossible dispute, King Solomon proposes dividing the child in two — half to each woman. One woman immediately begs him not to do it, even if it means she loses the child. Solomon recognises her as the true mother and

awards the baby to her, because she put the child’s life and wellbeing above her own position.

This story is often misunderstood as being about cleverness or trickery. In reality, it’s about prioritising the child over adult claims.

And that lesson is still relevant for separated parents today.

Why 50:50 Can Become About Parents — Not Children

For some families, shared care works well. Where parents communicate effectively, live close by, and can meet their child’s emotional and practical needs consistently, a roughly equal split can be positive.

But problems arise when 50:50 becomes:

• a starting point that cannot be questioned

• a symbol of fairness between adults

• a way of managing fear, guilt, or loss

• a legal position rather than a parenting one

Children don’t experience time as percentages. They experience:

• tiredness

• transitions

• emotional safety

• routine and predictability

• how conflict feels in their body

What looks equal on a calendar can sometimes feel unsettling or overwhelming in a child’s lived experience — especially if parents are in conflict, communication is strained, or practical realities don’t support the arrangement.

This doesn’t mean one parent should “lose out”. It means the question needs to change.

Not:

“How do we split the time fairly?”

But:

“What does our child need to feel secure, settled, and supported?”

Why These Conversations Are So Hard to Have Alone

When emotions are high, it’s incredibly difficult for parents to step back and look at the bigger picture — particularly when each feels they are already compromising or being asked to give something up.

That’s where mediation can help.

Mediation is not about telling parents what to do, taking sides, or forcing agreement. It is about creating a safe, structured space where both parents can:

• be heard and understood

• explore concerns without judgement

• separate fear from fact

• refocus on their child’s experience

How Mediation Helps Shift the Focus Back to Children

In mediation, we gently support parents to move away from fixed positions and towards thoughtful, child-centred planning.

This includes:

• exploring a child’s age, temperament, and developmental needs

• looking at schooling, routines, friendships, and transitions

• considering emotional safety and stability

• acknowledging parental fears without letting them drive decisions

• designing arrangements that can change over time as children grow

Importantly, mediation recognises that protecting a child’s relationship with both parents does not always mean equal time — it means meaningful, secure, and well-supported time.

Sometimes that looks like 50:50. Sometimes it doesn’t. What matters is that the arrangement fits this child, in this family, at this point in time.

Putting Children First Is Not About Losing

In the story of Solomon, the true mother was willing to step back because she knew the child’s wellbeing mattered more than winning. That doesn’t mean she loved her child less — quite the opposite.

In modern families, putting children first doesn’t require sacrifice without support. Mediation exists to help parents do this together, rather than through conflict, blame, or fear.

At Pax Mediation, we work with parents who:

• feel stuck around child arrangements

• are worried about losing time or connection

• want to avoid court if possible

• care deeply about doing the right thing for their children

  
  

Mediation isn’t about being right or wrong. It’s about being thoughtful, future-focused, and child-centred.

If you’re finding yourselves fixed on how time is divided, mediation can help you explore how your child is really experiencing it — and find a way forward that works for everyone.