BBC Panorama Child Maintenance: Can Family Mediation Help Separated Parents?
Updated: Sep 11
BBC Panorama's Child Maintenance: Parents Under Pressure has put the Child Maintenance Service (CMS) and the difficulties separated parents can face over child maintenance firmly in the spotlight.
The programme heard from parents with very different experiences of the child maintenance system. For some, the issue was maintenance not being paid or received as expected and the financial pressure that created. For others, there were concerns about calculations, affordability and whether the system properly reflected their circumstances.
As family mediators, these are conversations we regularly hear from both sides.
And one thing mediation teaches us is that two parents can experience the same situation very differently.
A receiving parent may feel they are carrying most of the financial responsibility for their children. A paying parent may feel that their wider contribution or financial circumstances aren't understood.
Sometimes, both parents genuinely believe the current arrangement is unfair.
So, where parents are able to discuss child maintenance safely and constructively, can family mediation help?
Why can child maintenance become difficult after separation?
Child maintenance can be an emotive subject because it sits at the intersection of two things that matter enormously to families: children and money.
There may be a figure for regular child maintenance, but raising children involves many other costs too.
There are school uniforms, childcare, clubs and activities, school trips, transport, birthdays and countless unexpected expenses. Parents may also be managing the costs of maintaining two separate households following separation.
It is therefore quite possible for parents to have very different perceptions of what each of them contributes and what is fair.
From a mediator's perspective, the difficulty is often not simply the amount of money being discussed. It can also be the communication surrounding it.
By the time parents come to mediation, conversations about money may have become difficult or stopped altogether.
Can family mediation help with child maintenance?
Potentially, yes.
Parents are able to make their own private arrangements about child maintenance where they both agree. They can decide how their children's living costs will be met and can agree arrangements that include regular payments as well as particular costs, such as school uniform, trips or clubs.
Family mediation can provide a structured and impartial environment in which parents explore whether they can reach such an agreement.
The important word is impartial.
A family mediator does not represent either parent. We do not decide who is right or wrong and we don't tell a parent what they should pay or what they should accept.
Instead, our role is to help both parents identify the issues they need to resolve, exchange relevant information, consider different options and see whether they can find a way forward that they can both accept.
What can parents discuss in child maintenance mediation?
Every family is different, so the issues parents bring to mediation will differ too.
A discussion might include:
regular child maintenance payments;
the everyday costs of raising the children;
childcare costs;
school uniform, school trips and other educational expenses;
children's clubs, hobbies and activities;
larger or unexpected expenses;
how payments will be made and when;
how parents will communicate about additional costs;
what might happen if somebody's circumstances change; and
how financial arrangements fit alongside the wider arrangements for the children.
Parents might also choose to use a Child Maintenance Service calculation as a reference point while discussing the wider arrangements for their family.
The purpose isn't for the mediator to determine the "correct" arrangement. It is to help the parents have a conversation that may have become very difficult to have by themselves.
Do parents have to use the Child Maintenance Service?
Not necessarily.
There are different ways in which child maintenance can be arranged.
Some parents make a private or family-based arrangement themselves. Others use the Child Maintenance Service to calculate maintenance but manage the payments directly between themselves through Direct Pay. The CMS can also collect and transfer payments through its Collect and Pay service.
Which route is appropriate will depend on the individual family's circumstances.
Mediation can help parents explore the options available to them, but a mediator does not provide legal advice or determine which option a parent should choose.
Parents remain free to obtain independent legal advice and to use the Child Maintenance Service where appropriate.
What if parents cannot agree about child maintenance?
Mediation does not guarantee an agreement, and it isn't suitable in every situation.
Sometimes parents will discuss the issues fully in mediation and still have different views about what should happen.
There may also be circumstances where a private arrangement isn't appropriate, where payments have not been made, or where the assessment or enforcement powers of the Child Maintenance Service are required.
Where child maintenance is unpaid, for example, the CMS has powers that a family mediator simply does not have.
Mediation is therefore not a replacement for the Child Maintenance Service.
Instead, it is another option available to separated parents where it is safe and appropriate for them to try to reach their own arrangements.
What if we already use the Child Maintenance Service?
Using the CMS does not necessarily mean there is nothing left for parents to discuss.
There can still be conversations about how and when payments are made, additional expenses for the children, or wider financial arrangements.
For parents using Direct Pay, the CMS calculates the amount of child maintenance but the parents manage the payments themselves.
For other families, the CMS calculation may deal with regular child maintenance while there are still other children's expenses that the parents would like to discuss.
Again, what is appropriate will depend on the circumstances of the individual family.
Child maintenance is about more than who is right
Perhaps one of the most striking things about Child Maintenance: Parents Under Pressure is the level of pressure that disagreements about child maintenance can place on separated families.
From a mediator's perspective, it is rarely helpful to assume that one parent's experience tells us everything about the other parent's.
A receiving parent may be worried about how they will pay for their children's everyday needs.
A paying parent may be worried about how they will meet their own financial commitments.
There may be frustration, mistrust and years of difficult communication sitting behind what initially looks like an argument about a monthly payment.
Understanding the other person's perspective does not mean agreeing with it.
But having somewhere to explain those different perspectives, with an impartial mediator managing the conversation, can sometimes allow parents to move away from repeating the same arguments and towards discussing what might actually work in the future.
And ultimately, the purpose of child maintenance is to contribute towards meeting the needs of the children.
How do I start mediation about child maintenance?
At Pax Mediation, the first step is usually an individual Mediation Information and Assessment Meeting (MIAM).
This is a private meeting between you and a mediator.
It gives you an opportunity to explain what has been happening from your perspective, find out more about the mediation process and discuss whether mediation may be suitable for your circumstances.
The other parent has their own separate meeting. If mediation is suitable and both parents want to proceed, joint mediation sessions can then be arranged.
You don't need to have worked everything out before contacting a mediator. In fact, helping parents identify exactly what needs to be discussed is part of the mediation process.
Frequently asked questions about child maintenance and mediation
Can child maintenance be discussed in family mediation?
Yes. Where mediation is suitable, separated parents can discuss child maintenance and other financial arrangements relating to their children as part of family mediation.
Can a mediator tell us how much child maintenance should be paid?
No. A mediator is impartial and does not make decisions for parents or provide legal advice. Parents can obtain information about child maintenance calculations and independent legal advice where required.
Can we mediate if we already have a CMS calculation?
Yes. There may still be issues that parents want to discuss, including how payments are managed or additional expenses relating to their children.
What happens if we don't reach an agreement in mediation?
Parents are not required to reach an agreement. Other options remain available, which may include using the Child Maintenance Service and obtaining independent legal advice.
Can mediation help if we cannot talk about money without arguing?
That is one of the reasons parents may choose mediation. The mediator manages the discussion and helps each person have an opportunity to explain their perspective and consider possible options. Whether mediation is suitable is considered individually, including at the MIAM.
Could mediation help your family?
If child maintenance or the wider costs of raising your children have become a source of disagreement following separation, you don't necessarily have to work through those conversations alone.
Family mediation provides an impartial space to discuss the issues, consider the options and explore whether you can reach arrangements that work for your family.
This article provides general information about family mediation and child maintenance and does not constitute legal advice. Every family's circumstances are different and you may wish to obtain independent legal advice about your individual situation.