Can My Ex Stop Me Taking My Child on Holiday? How Family Mediation Can Help

School holidays can be one of the most difficult times of the year for separated parents.

Questions about taking children away, agreeing dates, sharing the school holidays and making changes to usual arrangements can quickly become a source of disagreement. Sometimes a proposed holiday is the immediate issue. At other times, it highlights wider difficulties in communication or the absence of clear arrangements for the school holidays.

As family mediators, we regularly work with parents who are struggling to agree what should happen.

A common question is:

“Can my ex stop me taking my child on holiday?”

The legal position will depend on the individual circumstances of the family, including who has parental responsibility and whether any court orders are in place. A family mediator does not provide legal advice or decide who is legally right or wrong. Where parents need advice about their individual legal position, they may wish to speak to a family solicitor.

What family mediation can do is help parents have the conversation that may otherwise feel impossible.

Holiday disagreements are often about more than the holiday

When parents come to mediation because they cannot agree about a holiday, the disagreement is not always simply about the destination or the dates.

One parent may feel that they are not being given enough information. Another may feel that they have to ask permission for every decision they make. One parent may be worried about losing time with their child, while the other may feel frustrated that plans cannot be made.

There may also be a history of difficult communication, last-minute changes or previous arrangements that have not worked well.

In mediation, we can help parents move beyond a simple “yes” or “no” and explore what is actually causing the disagreement.

Understanding the concern behind a position can sometimes create more possibilities for finding a way forward.

What might parents discuss in family mediation?

Every family is different, and there is no single arrangement that will work for everyone.

In family mediation, parents might discuss:

• how the school holidays could be shared;

• proposed dates for holidays;

• how much notice each parent would like before trips are arranged;

• what information might reasonably be shared about travel and accommodation;

• how a holiday may affect the child’s usual time with each parent;

• how passports and travel documents will be managed;

• what happens if both parents want the same dates;

• how special occasions and family events will be considered; and

• how future holiday arrangements could be discussed.

The mediator does not decide what the arrangements should be.

Our role is to provide a structured and impartial process in which both parents can explain what is important to them, hear the other parent’s perspective and explore whether they can reach their own agreement.

Why can school holidays be so difficult after separation?

During term time, families often have a relatively predictable routine. School provides structure and parents may already have established arrangements for weekdays and weekends.

The school holidays can be very different.

There may be six weeks of summer holidays to organise, childcare to arrange, annual leave to coordinate and extended family events to consider. Parents may both want particular weeks away or may have different expectations about how the holidays should be divided.

Without a clear way of discussing these issues, the same disagreements can arise year after year.

Family mediation can provide parents with an opportunity to look not only at the immediate holiday but also at how they want to manage future school holidays.

Mediation can help parents look beyond the immediate disagreement

One of the benefits of family mediation is that the conversation does not have to be limited to the holiday that has caused the current difficulty.

Parents may choose to explore a wider framework for future arrangements.

For example, they might discuss how they will approach:

• summer holidays;

• Christmas and other celebrations;

• Easter;

• half-term holidays;

• birthdays;

• trips abroad; and

• changes to usual arrangements.

Having clearer expectations about how these conversations will take place can sometimes reduce future conflict.

The aim is not to create an arrangement that can never change. Children grow, work patterns change and family circumstances develop. Instead, mediation can help parents consider how they will communicate and make decisions as their children’s needs change.

What if communication between us is difficult?

Parents do not need to have a good relationship or find communication easy in order to consider mediation.

In fact, many parents come to mediation precisely because direct discussions have become difficult.

A family mediator manages the process and helps keep the discussion focused. We can help identify the issues that need to be considered, ensure that each parent has an opportunity to be heard and support a constructive discussion about possible ways forward.

Depending on the circumstances, mediation may take place with parents together or through other arrangements where appropriate.

Suitability for mediation is considered individually.

What if we cannot agree?

Mediation does not guarantee that parents will reach an agreement, and a mediator cannot impose an outcome.

However, it provides an opportunity to explore the issues fully before parents consider what other steps may be available to them.

Where legal advice is needed, parents can obtain advice from a solicitor alongside the mediation process. Mediation and legal advice can work alongside one another: the mediator remains impartial and manages the discussions, while each parent can obtain independent advice about their own individual circumstances if they wish to do so.

What is a MIAM?

The first step in exploring family mediation is usually a Mediation Information and Assessment Meeting, often referred to as a MIAM.

A MIAM is an individual and confidential meeting with a family mediator.

It gives you the opportunity to explain what is happening and discuss:

• the issues you would like to resolve;

• how family mediation works;

• whether mediation may be suitable in your circumstances;

• any concerns about safety, communication or participation; and

• the possible next steps.

Attending a MIAM does not commit you to mediation and does not require you to reach an agreement.

It is an opportunity to understand the process and consider whether family mediation may be able to help.

Keeping children at the centre of holiday discussions

For children, school holidays can be exciting. They may be looking forward to trips, spending time with family and having a break from school.

Conflict between parents about those arrangements can make the experience much more difficult.

In mediation, we encourage parents to consider their child’s experience of the arrangements and what may help provide them with security and predictability.

Depending on the child’s age and circumstances, Child Inclusive Mediation may also be considered. This can provide a child with an opportunity to speak with a specially trained mediator.

Children are not asked to make decisions or choose between their parents. The purpose is to provide an appropriate opportunity for their wishes and feelings to be heard as part of the wider mediation process.

How can Pax Mediation help?

At Pax Mediation, our accredited family mediators work with separated parents to help them have difficult conversations and explore arrangements for their children.

This may include discussions about:

• school holidays;

• holidays abroad;

• everyday child arrangements;

• Christmas and special occasions;

• communication between parents;

• changes to existing arrangements; and

• longer-term parenting plans.

We understand that asking for help with a disagreement can feel like a significant step. Family mediation is not about deciding which parent is right or wrong. It is about creating a structured, impartial space in which parents can discuss what is happening and explore whether they can find a way forward.

If you are finding it difficult to agree arrangements for the school holidays or a proposed family holiday, you can contact Pax Mediation to arrange a confidential MIAM and find out more about whether family mediation may be suitable for your family.

Pax Mediation offers online and face-to-face family mediation appointments across the North East.

This article is intended to provide general information about family mediation. It does not provide legal advice. A family mediator is impartial and cannot advise either participant about their individual legal position. Where legal advice is required, you may wish to speak to a suitably qualified legal adviser.